I once met with a couple of young writers and an interested party who may or may not’ve been their producer. I’d read their script – it had potential, but needed a lot of work. The writers had been through a couple of consultants already and were a little worse for wear.<\/p>\n
INT. CAFE – DAY<\/p>\n
Our WRITER sits with a talented writing pair, SWARTHY WRITER and PORCELAIN WRITER, as well as the pair’s friend, who we shall call PHANTOM PRODUCER.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY<\/p>\n
– and so after three months of waiting on her, and buying her drinks –<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
We still talking about your previous consultant?<\/p>\n
Porcelain’s giggle is cut short by a look from Swarthy.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY<\/p>\n
I’m like, I don’t need this. I don’t need the aggravation. It was the same for you wasn’t it Porcelain?<\/p>\n
PORCELAIN<\/p>\n
(nods)<\/p>\n
Absolutely.<\/p>\n
Swarthy nods: See? See?<\/p>\n
Writer looks at Phantom and shrugs:<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
Okay, it wasn’t the best experience –<\/p>\n
SWARTHY WRITER<\/p>\n
At all.<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
– and I can tell you now that it won’t be your worst. Times like that can be character building –<\/p>\n
SWARTHY WRITER<\/p>\n
Character building?<\/p>\n
(points to Writer for Porcelain’s benefit)<\/p>\n
Character building? If I hadn’t renounced violence three years, two months, and twenty-five days earlier, I would have taken the first consultant aside and FUCKED HIM UP!<\/p>\n
A sudden, awkward silence.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY WRITER<\/p>\n
But I didn’t.<\/p>\n
(to Porcelain)<\/p>\n
Did I?<\/p>\n
PORCELAIN WRITER<\/p>\n
Nope.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY WRITER<\/p>\n
No. I did not.<\/p>\n
He looks at Phantom, something passing between them, unreadable to our Writer. Phantom looks at the palm of her hand.<\/p>\n
PHANTOM PRODUCER<\/p>\n
(reading off her palm)<\/p>\n
So ah, where are you guys at with your project?<\/p>\n
SWARTHY WRITER<\/p>\n
We’re looking for a new consultant.<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
You should.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY WRITER<\/p>\n
And we’re thinking that if Writer here is interested –<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
I could be interested.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY WRITER<\/p>\n
So you’re interested –<\/p>\n
PORCELAIN<\/p>\n
That’s brilliant –<\/p>\n
Both Swarthy and Porcelain exhale with relief, grinning at each other until –<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
I said I COULD be interested.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY<\/p>\n
What the fuck does that mean?<\/p>\n
Our Writer takes a sip from his HOT CHOCOLATE – it’s no longer hot enough to burn skin but the BOWL is a convenient shape should it have to be forcefully applied to a skull.<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
I said I could be interested.<\/p>\n
The other three stare at him.<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
(to Porcelain)<\/p>\n
Do you want a new consultant?<\/p>\n
PORCELAIN<\/p>\n
Yes.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY<\/p>\n
We want you! What’s the problem?<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
You need to ask.<\/p>\n
SWARTHY<\/p>\n
To ask -?<\/p>\n
Looks at Phantom Producer: WTF?<\/p>\n
Writer waits them out. The silence stretches.<\/p>\n
PORCELAIN<\/p>\n
(off Swarthy)<\/p>\n
Will you be our consultant?<\/p>\n
WRITER<\/p>\n
Sure. You only needed to ask.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I once met with a couple of young writers and an interested party who may or may not’ve been their producer. I’d read their script – it had potential, but needed a lot of work. The writers had been through a couple of consultants already and were a little worse for wear. INT. CAFE – … <\/p>\n