Returning from the screening last Saturday afternoon (by way of the hardware store and a food hall-lunch), we noticed some mini-ghouls out and about in the late afternoon.
Bloody Halloween, I groaned, and The Goddess patted my knee.
I hate trick-or-treaters.
There’s no childhood trauma or such for this hatred. Halloween figured in my childhood only so far as school lessons suddenly turning to jack o’ lanterns and how once upon a time ’twas hallowed evening. I got my scares aplenty with the telly’s Sunday Horrors, thank you very much.
Snapping back to the present – here’s a typical exchange with trick-or-treaters in our fair land:
INT./EXT. DOOR – HALLOWED EVENING – FLASHBACK
WRITER opens the DOOR to be greeted by --
MINI-GHOUL + FAIRY-BARBIE
Trick or treat!
Writer brings out a HAMPER and doles out --
An apple for you, young sir, and an apple for you, young lady.
-- and MINI GHOUL and FAIRY-BARBIE look with some shock as TWO APPLES are placed in their SACKS OF SWEETS.
Fairy-Barbie says nothing.
You’re BOTH welcome.
He closes the door as --
So. After a few years of this kind of exchange – and uneaten apples prominently left at the edge of our property – this year I drafted a sign for those ungrateful toads to stay away.
EXT. GARDEN – HALLOWED EVENING 2009
THE GODDESS admires Her garden, CHICKENS clucking about Her legs.
WRITER shows Her a HAND-MADE SIGN --
Writer looks at his sign: “FUCK OFF”.
It’s not in the spirit of Halloween.
... Okay. How about –
He scribbles on the sign and shows it to Her. She deadpans him a look.
It’s in the spirit.
ANGLE ON amended sign: “FUCK OFF and have a Happy Halloween!”
EXT. GARDEN – MINUTES LATER
Writer approaches The Goddess, sign extended, beaming proudly.
“Happy Halloween – thank you for your visit but we do not do trick or treat.”
May I suggest one tiny thing?
She points to the original “FUCK OFF” which is now ringed with the new wording.
How about putting your excellent new wording on a new sign.
You’re no fun.