Lately I’ve been comparing – fairly or unfairly, it’s unavoidable – some shows screening on the Fortress Mamea goggle box.
EXHIBIT A
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
DOCTOR SLAUGHTER smiles as he examines a NERVOUS PATIENT.
SLAUGHTER
I’m going to listen to your heart beat.
He does so with his STETHOSCOPE.
SLAUGHTER
I’m going to check your pupils.
He does so with his PENLIGHT.
EXHIBIT B
EXT. DESERT, IRAQ – DAY
Mercenary NICK SWORD scans a DISTANT VILLAGE through his BINOCULARS.
He makes notes with PENCIL and NOTEPAD. We notice a slight tremor in his writing hand.
WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
What’s happening?
Sword puts away pencil and pad as he turns to TAMSIN SMITH, his employer, peering over his shoulder. He hands her the binoculars, trembling hand stuffed into a pocket.
SWORD
Nothing so far.
(beat)
‘S all good.
What’s that? Why am I comparing oranges with bananas?
Because good writing is what makes the every-day interesting.
EXHIBIT A – REVISED
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
DOCTOR SLAUGHTER examines a NERVOUS PATIENT. He breathes on his STETHOSCOPE.
SLAUGHTER
This won’t take long.
He listens to the patient’s chest.
SLAUGHTER
(listening)
Mm-hm. ... Thank you.
He pulls out his PENLIGHT.
SLAUGHTER
(smiles)
You know the drill.
The patient gives the smallest smile.
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