Returning from the screening last Saturday afternoon (by way of the hardware store and a food hall-lunch), we noticed some mini-ghouls out and about in the late afternoon.
Bloody Halloween, I groaned, and The Goddess patted my knee.
I hate trick-or-treaters.
There’s no childhood trauma or such for this hatred. Halloween figured in my childhood only so far as school lessons suddenly turning to jack o’ lanterns and how once upon a time ’twas hallowed evening. I got my scares aplenty with the telly’s Sunday Horrors, thank you very much.
Snapping back to the present – here’s a typical exchange with trick-or-treaters in our fair land:
INT./EXT. DOOR – HALLOWED EVENING – FLASHBACK
WRITER opens the DOOR to be greeted by --
MINI-GHOUL + FAIRY-BARBIE
(chorus)
Trick or treat!
Writer brings out a HAMPER and doles out --
WRITER
An apple for you, young sir, and an apple for you, young lady.
-- and MINI GHOUL and FAIRY-BARBIE look with some shock as TWO APPLES are placed in their SACKS OF SWEETS.
MINI-GHOUL
... Thanks.
Fairy-Barbie says nothing.
WRITER
You’re BOTH welcome.
He closes the door as --
FAIRY-BARBIE (O.S.)
An APPLE?
So. After a few years of this kind of exchange – and uneaten apples prominently left at the edge of our property – this year I drafted a sign for those ungrateful toads to stay away.
EXT. GARDEN – HALLOWED EVENING 2009
THE GODDESS admires Her garden, CHICKENS clucking about Her legs.
WRITER shows Her a HAND-MADE SIGN --
GODDESS
No.
WRITER
But –
GODDESS
No.
Writer looks at his sign: “FUCK OFF”.
GODDESS
(off Writer)
It’s not in the spirit of Halloween.
WRITER
... Okay. How about –
He scribbles on the sign and shows it to Her. She deadpans him a look.
WRITER
It’s in the spirit.
GODDESS
No.
ANGLE ON amended sign: “FUCK OFF and have a Happy Halloween!”
EXT. GARDEN – MINUTES LATER
Writer approaches The Goddess, sign extended, beaming proudly.
GODDESS
(reading)
“Happy Halloween – thank you for your visit but we do not do trick or treat.”
(looks up)
Much better.
WRITER
(bows)
Thank you.
GODDESS
May I suggest one tiny thing?
WRITER
Of course.
She points to the original “FUCK OFF” which is now ringed with the new wording.
GODDESS
How about putting your excellent new wording on a new sign.
WRITER
You’re no fun.
