How to Punch Up a Woman

Watched a detective show recently and found myself sighing and harrumphing a lot. The dynamic between the male private detective lead and the female police inspector was frustratingly one-sided: he barked, she jumped. It just reminded me of the following kind of scene that we’ve seen a million few times already:

(Following a budget-straining action set-piece in which our foolhardy hero cop shoots a mid-level baddie who tried to bushwhack him:)

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

Our off-duty female cop – we’ll call her SALLY – is watching “Sleepless in Seattle” when there’s a KNOCK at the door.

INT. BATHROOM, APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER

Our foolhardy hero cop – call him STONE – sits on the edge of the BATH and touches a cut on his forehead; he grimaces.

STONE

– sorry I didn’t tell you ’bout the meet but it was for your own protection –

SALLY

I can handle myself.

He braces himself as Sally approaches with a BAND-AID --

SALLY

This might sting.

-- and she gently places it on the cut on his forehead.

Y’dig? The wounded hero cop whose only safe emotional place is with his partner, a female who is not a love interest, who’s always there to pick up the pieces, who’s really just a cop version of a 1950s housewife.

But what if…

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

SALLY is watching “Sleepless in Seattle” when there’s a KNOCK at the door.

INT. BATHROOM, APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER

STONE sits on the edge of the BATH and touches a cut on his forehead; he grimaces.

STONE

– sorry I didn’t tell you ’bout the meet but it was for your own protection –

SALLY

Shut it.

She rips open a BAND-AID.

STONE

Watching “Sleepless in Seattle” again, eh?

Off her look he raises his hands in mock surrender.

The band-aid bounces off him and flitters to the floor.

Nothing groundbreaking here.

But I feel better now.

Do you?

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Self-Flagellation

What is it with long flights and the bad terrible tragically awful films that I choose to watch? It’s not the carriers’ fault. Nowadays, all international carriers have screens on the back of the seats with hundreds of channels of choice at each traveller’s fingertips.

So why’d I watch an eight-figure budgeted action comedy when I had the works of Tony Gilroy, Sidney Lumet, Paul Thomas Anderson and the Coen brothers to choose from?

1.  It’s an eight- to ten-inch screen. It’s bad enough to watch movies on the laptop but to watch VHS-like-quality images on such a small screen is irresponsible because I’m sure a movie-magic fairy drops dead each time a film is watched on a screen that’s less than twelve-inches across.

2.  I’d started watching a couple of other films on the movie menu but all the swearing (even ass – ass!) was muted. I was scratching and scratching and scratching my head until I realised that flying Emirates might have something to do with the level of censorship.

So.

Ninety – ohmigosh! 120! – minutes later, here is what meagre enjoyment I dredged from the action comedy that played on the tiny screen in front of me:

1.  Having leads with a genuine chemistry can help. Would’ve helped. Although maybe not as much as it used to since I was watching part three of a franchise. But the memories of the previous instalments… okay, the memories of the first instalment can carry you some of the distance. Oh gods above, I lie: the memories didn’t help at all.

2.  Having supporting actors who can out-act your leads can give such a film some sorely welcome spots of genuine humour and/or pathos.

3.  For all of the studios’ squeals of dwindling cinema attendances and how the internet is stealing not just from DVDs but from the starving children of Africa, I can’t help but think that, at least for all of the creatives and technicians and support personnel involved, they all got paid.

It is, just like they say, only show business.

And maybe, one day, if/when I can afford to travel better than cattle class, I’ll have enough room to be able open up the trusty Powerbook and exercise choice.

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Make ‘Em Care

One of my wonderful Imaginary Readers wondered how on earth I could get hooked into a show when they kill off a cool character – was/am I a sick perv for getting hooked so?

Back in the day, I was an occasional watcher of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Thanks to Wiki, I know that I started watching from the middle of season two onwards, and I don’t know whether it was the vampire killer schtick, the witty asides and/or the realistic interactions that kept me tuning in.

And then… a character who seemed established and part of the Scooby Gang freakin’ died. I hadn’t experienced that in serial television in, like, forever.

What. The. Frak?

As I found myself mourning the loss of a character along with the characters on the little screen, I realised a couple of things:

– there’s some serious shit you could do with television drama (and a horror fantasy to boot); and

– they made me freakin’ care.

WTF, indeed.

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Few

Opened a graphic novel recently and got this on the first page:

My name’s [JOHN SMITH]. I’m a man of few words. Have to be.

Used to make my trade as a [DEBT COLLECTOR], forcing [DEBTORS] to pay for their [LOANS]. I guess it was a good life.

[ABOUT] seven years ago that changed, when I [DROVE] into this [CITY].

They were looking for a [CREDIT CONTROLLER]. I was looking for a place to [CONSOLIDATE].

Don’t the last six sentences of 50+ words make a lie of the second sentence?

Puh.

(All the items in ‘[‘ and ‘]’ were initially for cheap laughs and some anonymity for the writer [and arse-covering on my part]. … No, ’tis neither funny nor anonymous.)

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More is More

I’ve come across some scripts that have assumed a lot more of me than I’m comfortable. Hey, I like to stoke my mind-reading and thought-control reputation whenever I can but I have my limits.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY

The BOY steps off his FRONT LAWN and onto the FOOTPATH. He hitches his BACKPACK. Looks up and down the street.

He starts walking.

He falters as, up ahead, a BULLY steps out from behind a TREE and leans against the trunk, smirking.

If by the third page I still have no idea what the boy looks like, I’m pretty annoyed. I’m not giving the script the attention it might deserve.

Little things like names and ages go a long way to helping your reader know – or make an educated guess at – who their guide is in your story. This isn’t prose where we can wait a few pages until all is revealed. The script may only be Courier 12pt on paper, but the finished product is visual, and you want your reader to see what your intended audience is going to see in as few carefully chosen words as possible.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY

KEVIN (9) steps off his FRONT LAWN and onto the FOOTPATH. He hitches his BACKPACK – the chest strap cuts into his girth. He is alone.

He starts walking.

He falters as, a couple of houses ahead, RANDY (15) steps out from behind a TREE and leans against the trunk, his eyes on Kevin.

It’s the little things that count.

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Nig

The following took place not long after a discussion of Kate Atkinson‘s Case Histories and a character’s naming of her newly acquired cat after a Not Very Nice Racial Epithet.

INT. FORTRESS MAMEA – NIGHT

The WRITER and his GODDESS sit on the COUCH watching the nightly news.

The DOG, a black and tan mongrel, approaches the couch and sits, ears tall, attentive and expectant.

The Goddess wrinkles her nose and sees its source:

GODDESS

Hello, Smelly Dog.

The Dog’s tail thumps with hope.

The Writer’s eyes don’t move from the flickering screen:

WRITER

Too smelly to join us on the couch.

The Dog’s tail-thumping slows.

The Writer looks at the Dog and appraises it in a manner not unlike an undertaker.

WRITER

If our next dog is all black, can we call it Sooty?

GODDESS

I think we should call it N-----.

WRITER

Only if it’s spelled so that it ends with an ‘a’. And we train it to respond to ‘Sup’ and ‘You feel me?’

As the Writer and his Goddess giggle, the Dog lies down to wait. The Dog is good at waiting.

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Choose

Whenever I think of narratives that escalate as exquisitely as Aliens, I think, I should blog about that – y’know, how character decision A leads to situation B which requires character decision C but whenever I sit down to write it, I keep flashing on this, from Pulp Fiction:

INT. PAWNSHOP -- DAY

Butch sneaks to the door.

On the counter is a big set of keys with a large Z connected to the ring. Grabbing them, he’s about to go out when he stops and listens to the hillbilly psychopaths having their way with Marsellus.

Butch decides for the life of him, he can’t leave anybody in a situation like that. So he begins rooting around the pawnshop for a weapon to bash those hillbillies’ heads in with.

He picks up a big destructive-looking hammer, then discards it: Not destructive enough. He picks up a chainsaw, thinks about it for a moment, then puts it back. Next, a large Louisville slugger he tries on for size. But then he spots what he’s been looking for:

A Samurai sword.

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See What You Like

The first sex scene does not begin until twenty minutes into the episode. Its a lesbian scene, and it only lasts one minute and ten seconds. The next sex scene happens some minutes later. Its a boy/girl scene and it lasts two minutes. Both sex scenes are shot and edited like an action scene from a Michael Bay movie. Nothing graphic happens. In fact, besides the nudity, they are just as tame as what you’d see on network television.

From a user review of Femme Fatale, a 21st century version, it would appear, of Red Shoe Diaries.

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Say What

Let’s say you’ve watched the story of a man who reluctantly cleans up his long estranged father’s affairs, discovers details of the difficult circumstances of his parents’ marriage and his childhood, and realises how it is only now, having grown up and started a family of his own, that he can begin to understand his father as a man.

It’s been a bit of an emotional journey, and you’ve invested in it willingly. The story is very near the end as the man goes to visit his father in hospital, and you look forward to something like this:

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The OLD MAN (60s) lies in his HOSPITAL BED, tubes and pumps abound, his eyes open, staring upward.

The Old Man’s SON (30s) pulls up a VISITOR’S CHAIR and sits down, hands clasped in his lap. He looks at his father, breathing – no, living – with the aid of machines. The father’s eyes don’t shift from the ceiling.

SON

Dad –

He clears his throat.

He tries to start again but he can’t as sobs erupt from his body, and it is all he can do to reach out and hold his father’s bloodless, frail hand.

No more need be said, right? We’ve followed the son’s journey, both physical and emotional. That’s why we’ve found a hanky to cry into, to share the catharsis.

Alas, what you get is:

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The OLD MAN (60s) lies in his HOSPITAL BED, his eyes open, staring upward.

The Old Man’s SON (30s) pulls up a VISITOR’S CHAIR and sits down. He looks at his father. The father’s eyes don’t shift from the ceiling.

SON

Dad -.

He clears his throat.

SON

Dad. I just wanted to say I -, I forgive you for all the love you witheld from me, all the sports games you never came to, all the opportunities you had to say just one nice thing to me but instead you made fun of me, and belittled me.

The Son blinks, his cheeks wet from tears.

SON

Dad, I -. I love you. You were always okay by me, Dad, and I wish I’d never stayed away as long as I did and I’m so sorry I held all that anger against you. You were doing your best, Dad. And that’s all a son can ever ask of his Dad.

He takes hold of his father’s hand and begins to weep.

What is it that I like so much about the less-is-more approach?

I like ambiguity. It makes me feel like an adult, with a licence to read between the lines.

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