Point & Click

Some rather thin screenwriting-related links this month.

  • Heee.



    (Fedora-tip: Alex Epstein.)

  • I’m a Joss Whedon fan from his Buffy days (Dollhouse has yet to reach these shores) but this Cracked list of 5 Reasons It Sucks Being a Joss Whedon Fan is both funny and spot on, with my fave being:

    … There is only one real lesson in Whedonland, and it’s that loving cool people is dangerous because someone’s probably gonna shove a flaming rock into their skull.

    Yep: that’s how I got hooked in Season 2.

    (Fedora-tip: Lucy Vee.)

  • And Roger Ebert‘s post about performance artist Chris Burden has really gotten under my skin.

… Hey, this is my 250th post. Woo-hoo me.

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Pick Up

John August posted recently about the ubiquity of lost cellphone signals in movies. It does happen – constantly in just-remote-enough Fortress Mamea – but its use in film and television is beginning to grate as much as the ol’ I have vital information to impart but the phone is not safe so let us rendezvous in a dark alley where I will be killed just before we meet device.

Yes, the real world in which we live is imperfect. The world which your characters inhabit is just as imperfect, but only enough for the audience to recognise it as such. Adapt accordingly.

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Box Watch: The Cult

Having ethnically disparaged The Cult, sight unseen, along strictly racial lines*, the inhabitants of Fortress Mamea have watched the first two eps.

For me, the greatest sin of any homegrown show is try-hard self-consciousness – and thankfully, there’s none here whatsoever**. It looks and sounds like a real TV show, rather than something we should watch out of patriotism. The direction and cinematography are uniformly flashy. The characters are clearly delineated. The plotting is pacey and the dialogue largely on point with only occasional excursions into exposition.

But I’m not feeling for any of the characters. Why am I not caring for:

  • a father who wants his sons back at any cost (and, so far, without much thought)?
  • a bitchy sister who keeps needling her brother’s wife-with-a-shameful-history?
  • or the brothers inside the compound, in too deep and with seemingly nowhere to run?

And what’s the deal with the mercenary hired by the outside group? If he’s really an ex-SAS soldier, he’s being awfully reticent and docile. A character with a skill set like his is a game changer: the rules of engagement may differ (it’s not a warzone so killing people isn’t a good idea) but the game is the same – if your objective is to get certain people out of a compound, then you do everything and anything to achieve that objective. Instead, he’s rolled on and off screen like a prop, as and when the story dictates.

Ep three screens tomorrow, and The Goddess has given me the hard word: If this doesn’t get any better, you’re on your own.

Oh dear.

POSTSCRIPT: OMFG – The Cult‘s section on the TVNZ website has a writers blog where creator Peter Cox shows some of the development process that went into the show.

* When I posted that, I couldn’t help flashing on this joker from the underrated Undercover Brother.

** No surprise, really: creator Peter Cox was behind both the near-perfect The Insiders Guide to Happiness and the excellent but abysmally scheduled The Pretender.

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Ask

I once met with a couple of young writers and an interested party who may or may not’ve been their producer. I’d read their script – it had potential, but needed a lot of work. The writers had been through a couple of consultants already and were a little worse for wear.

INT. CAFE – DAY

Our WRITER sits with a talented writing pair, SWARTHY WRITER and PORCELAIN WRITER, as well as the pair’s friend, who we shall call PHANTOM PRODUCER.

SWARTHY

– and so after three months of waiting on her, and buying her drinks –

WRITER

We still talking about your previous consultant?

Porcelain’s giggle is cut short by a look from Swarthy.

SWARTHY

I’m like, I don’t need this. I don’t need the aggravation. It was the same for you wasn’t it Porcelain?

PORCELAIN

(nods)

Absolutely.

Swarthy nods: See? See?

Writer looks at Phantom and shrugs:

WRITER

Okay, it wasn’t the best experience –

SWARTHY WRITER

At all.

WRITER

– and I can tell you now that it won’t be your worst. Times like that can be character building –

SWARTHY WRITER

Character building?

(points to Writer for Porcelain’s benefit)

Character building? If I hadn’t renounced violence three years, two months, and twenty-five days earlier, I would have taken the first consultant aside and FUCKED HIM UP!

A sudden, awkward silence.

SWARTHY WRITER

But I didn’t.

(to Porcelain)

Did I?

PORCELAIN WRITER

Nope.

SWARTHY WRITER

No. I did not.

He looks at Phantom, something passing between them, unreadable to our Writer. Phantom looks at the palm of her hand.

PHANTOM PRODUCER

(reading off her palm)

So ah, where are you guys at with your project?

SWARTHY WRITER

We’re looking for a new consultant.

WRITER

You should.

SWARTHY WRITER

And we’re thinking that if Writer here is interested –

WRITER

I could be interested.

SWARTHY WRITER

So you’re interested –

PORCELAIN

That’s brilliant –

Both Swarthy and Porcelain exhale with relief, grinning at each other until –

WRITER

I said I COULD be interested.

SWARTHY

What the fuck does that mean?

Our Writer takes a sip from his HOT CHOCOLATE – it’s no longer hot enough to burn skin but the BOWL is a convenient shape should it have to be forcefully applied to a skull.

WRITER

I said I could be interested.

The other three stare at him.

WRITER

(to Porcelain)

Do you want a new consultant?

PORCELAIN

Yes.

SWARTHY

We want you! What’s the problem?

WRITER

You need to ask.

SWARTHY

To ask -?

Looks at Phantom Producer: WTF?

Writer waits them out. The silence stretches.

PORCELAIN

(off Swarthy)

Will you be our consultant?

WRITER

Sure. You only needed to ask.

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Hnf

INT. FORTRESS MAMEA – NIGHT

WRITER

(on phone)

How’s your script going?

NEOPHYTE

(V.O.; filter)

Finished.

WRITER

That’s great.

NEOPHYTE

Yep. I’ve got about twenty pages of character descriptions – I swear you’ll read the character bios and either fall in love or break down crying – and I’ve got the soundtrack, too. It’s a playlist on my iPod –

WRITER

What about the script?

NEOPHYTE

It’s all in my head –

(off Writer’s silence)

Ah-hah! I know what you’re thinking. OF COURSE I’ve got a script –

WRITER

Phew –

NEOPHYTE

Yeah, it’s sixty pages long. It’s got EVERYTHING. Actually it’s more of a treatment than a script ’cause there’s no dialogue. But dialogue’s easy.

WRITER

Easy –

NEOPHYTE

Yeah. When the time comes, I’ll just go to the scene and then pffft – BAM! That’s how easy dialogue is.

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Son of Hair

Hey, it was the late Eighties: Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon (1987).
Hey, it was the late Eighties: Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon (1987).

Why is it that when Mel has a freaking mullet, he’s manly and… whatever masculine thingie, but on me, it looks like I’ve an amorous armadillo on my scalp?

...
...

Riddle me that, goddammit.

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Point & Click

This month, on Point & Click:

  • Local producer Matthew Horrocks has some cogent articles on the state of New Zild film at his Reservoir Films. Go – go read them now.
  • The Incomparable Christopher Rywalt reviews Sex Decoy: Love Stings, a reality show about… about…. I can’t. But here’s an extract:

    … when a ridiculously gorgeous woman — or even a skanky stripper — comes on to you out of nowhere, your choices explaining what’s going on are a) you’ve inexplicably, suddenly, and surprisingly become vastly more attractive to the opposite sex or b) she’s an alien/vampire/killer robot who’s going to eat you before you come.
  • Screenwriter Josh Olson (A History of Violence) explains why he will not read your fucking script. ‘S nothing personal. And totally understandable.
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O Brother Where Art Thou

The latest Herald Time Out had a write up about an upcoming homemade drama, The Cult. Besides my usual grizzling about the complete lack of any mention of writers, something struck me about the large cast: where are the brothers or sisters?

Here’s a screen-grab:

Okay, there’s maybe a sister at the far right, peering around a tree but this is New Zild drama, right? And if they’re gonna namedrop Lost, I believe that show has:

  • two black guys,
  • a Korean couple,
  • an Indian guy,
  • a couple of Hispanics,
  • and an Australian.

Here’s a quick run-down of the Mamea Household’s Box Watch-list:

  • Law & Order now has three black detectives;
  • Dexter and The Closer each have a black cop, a Hispanic cop, and an Asian technician (Dexter) or cop (Closer);
  • Battlestar Galactica has a Hispanic leader, an Asian pilot and a black bad cylon;
  • The Wire‘s ethnicity is slanted towards blacks;
  • Better Off Ted has a black scientist;
  • Dead Like Me has a Hispanic reaper;
  • Fringe has a black supervisor;
  • Law & Order UK has a black lawyer;
  • Desperate Housewives has a Hispanic couple.

Meanwhile, if The Cult‘s publicity shot is anything to go by, its cast has:

  • no brothers, and
  • maybe a sister

– but since she’s hugging a tree maybe she’s the comic relief – or the first one to die.

If this is ‘New Zealand on air’, I don’t recognise it.

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Box Watch: Fringe, Season 1

Three reasons why I should hate Fringe:

  • a pretty blonde FBI agent,
  • said FBI agent has a tendency to go into buildings and rooms without backup,
  • said FBI agent usually leads an assault team, sometimes taking point.

And yet, godsdammit, I enjoyed the first season.

  • Yes, Anna Torv is pretty and blonde but she rarely smiles, and the first couple of eps very nicely set up her tortured dourness.
  • Sure, her habit of going into places on her lonesome gets a little annoying but the set up at least makes some effort at giving her good reason to do so.
  • And the assault team-leading and point-taking – in any other show this would be unforgiveable but in Fringe… seriously, who cares?

Fringe is not Law & Order, nor The Wire, nor Flashpoint, and it doesn’t try to be.

 

What it is, is an exciting and intelligent series, riffing off The X-Files and Republic serials, and everything/anything in between, with characters whose motives may be questionable but at least understandable (John Noble‘s Dr Walter Bishop is a particular pleasure of The Goddess), solving the weekly mysteries and/or crimes with wit and panache, meanwhile there’s some overarching season storyline that is tantalisingly touched on each week as well AND WHO THE HELL AM I TO WHINE ABOUT THE PROCEDURAL ASPECTS?

 

Pacing, I think, is a large part of my forgiveness/enjoyment. The mystery must be solved! Quickly, into that abandoned building! The assault team’s on location? You’re the only one who knows which room to take down! Quick! Hurry! Save the world!

 

And the gods strike me where I slouch but I’m lapping it up.

Bring on Season Two.

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Don’t Look Down

It’ll all work out in the end. It always does. One way or t’other.

Such thoughts – even if you include them in your post – are useless when you find yourself on a metaphoric ledge, looking down into an abyss, wondering how the hell you got there, and knowing full well that this is all your own doing.

A few months ago, I pitched an idea:

It’s a road movie with four longtime friends: an Apple, an Orange, a Banana, and a Kiwifruit.

They’re crammed into a battered VW Kombi, driving from grey Dunedin to perenially sunny Nelson[1] for an A&P show[2].

Along the way they reminisce over old escapades, rekindle old flames, and uncover some once-forgotten secrets.

It follows in the footsteps of “Goodbye Pork Pie”, “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”, and “Wages of Fear”.

Okay, so there are no car chases, cross dressers or truckloads of high explosives – but I argued that the script was ‘execution dependent’ – and I pretty much rock on those, don’t I?

It began, now that I think about it, far too easily: I’d put myself into that rare position of not only having a premise –

A bunch of fruit travelling in a Kombi.

– but I also had a theme:

What makes a friend?

Talk about getting it on a platter.

How freaking hard could it be to expand it into a script?

And then – another rare situation – I began building it in a logical fashion. Copious notes about the story, ideas about the narrative, snippets of dialogue that had to be said by certain characters. Before long, I had:

  • expanded the pitch into a two page document which describes the project;
  • plotted out the story; and
  • written character descriptions and backstories.

Thus informed, prepared and fore-armed, I began outlining the story.

And then the well ran dry.

Lately, I’ve been flashing on Frank Miller and Dave Gibbons’ Give Me Liberty, in particular when Martha Washington says after her baptism of fire, This won’t kill me. This won’t kill me.

This isn’t the end of the world. It certainly feels terminal on some level. But I know that, right now, I’m just treading water and, lacking strength or stamina to break this wall or block or whatever with brute force, will have to bide my time a little. Work on another project. Think about it while I’m driving. Take some time out.

I look forward to the project’s finish where, in the glow of A Job Well Done – or, at the very least, A Job Done – I will forget this dark moment and remember only the joys of creation, the eureka moments, of finding of the diamonds in the rough, and looking forward to doing it all over again with the next project.

Postscript

I feel a certain camaraderie with Messrs Tripuraneni and Molloy at the moment. Yes, it’s hard. But – in sweeter times of generosity of spirit and all-round munificence – one can blithely say that it’s all part of the fun.


[1] [From] grey Dunedin to … sunny Nelson: for our international readers, the equivalent of travelling from small-town America to, say, San Francisco.

[2]A&P show: Agricultural and Pastoral show – I think this says more than I could ever describe.

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