The Editing Room

27 July 201326 July 2013

Hee

Alex Wiebe at the ever-reliable The Editing Room has gifted the world with my favouritest ever zombie movie description:

INT. APARTMENTS

Everyone heads up the STAIRS but then ZOMBIES AIIEEEE STAIRS RUSH ARRRGH BRAD DAUGHTER RUN ENOS LOOK OUT FLARE MIREILLE RAAAARRRGH SCREAM CRASH KEEP GOING HISPANIC AIIEEEE PITT ZOMBIES NOOOO FIGHT CHOMP ARRRRGH

ZOMBIES NOOOOO FIGHT CHOMP ARRRRGH, indeed.

18 February 201318 February 2013

Judged

The ever-reliable Editing Room have thrown up an abridged script for one of my 2012 faves, Dredd. Some of you may wonder how such almost literal cannon fodder can rub shoulders with the likes of Never Let Me Go and This Must Be The Place.

From Chris W‘s abridged script:

INT. HALL OF JUDGENESS

JUDGE KARL meets his plucky new sidekick OLIVIA THIRLBY.

JUDGE KARL

So you failed the Judge SAT test, but you’ve got Kuato powers so we’re giving you one more chance to prove yourself.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(using mind powers)

I sense that you’re very... You’re kind of... You’re sort of...

JUDGE KARL

Yeah? Go on?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(pause)

Uh, nevermind. Forget it.

JUDGE KARL

But you were about to reveal something interesting and profound about me that might give my character the slightest shred of depth.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(looks at watch)

Wow, you haven’t shot anyone for a full two minutes.

JUDGE KARL

Damn, you’re right. Characterization can go fuck itself. Let’s go kill something.

Yeah.

I loved Dredd because it didn’t try to be anything more than it is, whether it’s a balls-out actioner, a more-faithful-than-hoped-for adaptation of the original comic character, a nicely self-contained dystopian sci-fi flick, or a combination of any/all of the above.

13 August 201213 August 2012

Oh Well

Ye olde local started showing this one so we saddled up to support local business and see what the hype was all about.

As the end credits rolled, I turned to The Goddess and said, Well, and she loooked at me and said Well, and we hugged each other because it was nice to get out and support local business.

In an unprecedented move in our relationship, we returned forthwith to Fortress Mamea and watched the following two films in very short order:

It was an exhausting, essential cleansing process but well worth the time.

Postscript: Chris W at The Editing Room deconstructs the film perfectly, with my favourite abridged script line being:

CHARLIZE invites NOOMI and LOGAN to her FORESHADOWING ROOM.

15 April 2009

Quis Custodiet – Abridged

Mr Hilton at The Editing Room has just put up an abridged script for Watchmen.

And this excerpt is for the benefit of The Goddess who wondered what the heck the story was with Bubastis the wondercat:

MATTHEW GOODE

Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?

PATRICK WILSON

Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?

MATTHEW GOODE

Who, Mr. Meowkins? He’s my pet.

PATRICK WILSON

Right. I figured that.

This link/post is dedicated to Mr Molloy.

8 September 200819 October 2012

Grrgrll farggle raar

Having read Rod Hilton‘s The Dark Knight – The Abridged Script, I am definitely leaving the cave to watch it on the big screen.

1 December 20075 August 2012

Point & Click

This week, in lieu of my usual witterings, I offer you:

At The Editing Room, Rod Hilton writes ‘abridged scripts’ of popular films – but in an indecently irreverent spirit that harks back to web classics “movies in a minute” and “movies with bunnies”. Behold his takes on The Bourne Ultimatum, The Departed and Ronin.

Bang2Write head script-reader, Lucy, is oft-name-checked in the UK scribosphere – and for good reason: her Write Here, Write Now blog has gems aplenty to offer, like no, your script idea has not been nicked, Worst. Feedback. Ever., and The List. (Collective fedora-tip: Messrs. Barron, Clague and Stack.)

A mere twelve months ago, Severance scribe James Moran listed seven reasons why his beloved horror genre can sometimes suck ass. Read. Memorise. Avoid. (Insta-fedora-tip: Write Here, Write Now.)

Former Paramount Theatre manager Dan Slevin used to throw together the best – the best, I tell ya – weekly e-newsletters. I may have been in the wrong city at the time (Christchurch, then Dunedin), but the reviews, descriptions and one-liners were a pleasure to read, and welcome heads-ups on what might (eventually) hit the South Island. He’s now the Capital Times film reviewer – and generously reprints his reviews at his blog, Funerals and Snakes.

And for something different, try killer-fact.com where literary quizzes (what novel opened with “Call me Ishmael”?) gleefully rub shoulders with polls like which Spice Girl to eat first when all the food has run out on your desert island. (Fedora-tip: NZBC.)

Update: the killer-fact.com page now says “This account has been suspended – please contact billing…”. Guess you’ll have to take my word for it.